Follow the Yellow Brick Road – Signing Papers

Hi Everyone,

I must admit, life isn’t as bad as everyone lets on. There. I said it. LIFE has so MUCH to offer. I’ve struggled with what to write or even how to feel during this serendipitous waiting period. Yet, each day I’m reminded that life is good and sometimes it’s our “silence” that speaks more than chance. During the past few months, we’ve dug deep to rediscover the magic of adoption and matching with a birthmother. By doing so, we released negativity and purposely let go of those who didn’t support our dreams; to have a child and share our unconditional love. Besides, the honest truth is that paperwork is a necessary evil that unfortunately grays the adoption process. Yet, after each signature and “required” triplicate document, we are one day closer to a birthmother match! On Gerry’s birthday, December 17th, 2010, we signed open adoption papers with the Independent Adoption Centers! (IAC)

Now, let me be entirely open and honest with you. There are some people that are completely against our decision. In fact, some believe that gay couples aren’t able to raise well adjusted children. I have to laugh at the irony, since I’m assuming that most gay children are raised by straight people. Either way, life has its reminders that “the peanut gallery” has little to offer. Curiously though, perhaps it’s more than philosophy that drives those to judge others. Maybe those that live in fear of their own judgment, tend to streamline their concealed hate because of their inability to love outside of their ideology. Nonetheless, as we walked into the IAC office in excitement, we realized that it was the inclusiveness of open adoption, not ideology that attracted us.

During the “weekend intensive” we met a birthmother and another gay couple that went through the same open adoption process. Her experience was much like many others; an unplanned pregnancy, young and unable to care for a baby. What struck me the most was the amount of love that she had for her biological child. In her own words, “I knew I wasn’t ready to be a mother and wanted to give my son a better life.” As I watched her tell her story, I found myself completely consumed with the bravery of this young woman. Where does this type of character come from? After all, society seems to demonize those who don’t follow cultural norms. There she sat with her knitted multicolor hat and scarf, holding on to her own hands. She truly was the “light” in the room.

The gay couple that adopted candidly shared their experiences as well. They explained that unfortunately there are those individuals who seek to take advantage of others looking to adopt. Their actions are driven by a false sense of security and basic financial need for instant gratification. In the end though, they may not be pregnant and/or have their unborn child in distress, due to drug use or other non-related issues. As difficult as this was to hear, it’s good to be aware of these unfortunate situations. The best advice we were given was to always direct the birthmother back to the adoption agency. This way, any monies that we provide can be accounted for. In the end, open adoption is a life time commitment, not only to our unborn child, but the birth family that he or she was born into.

We’ve been asked by many, where exactly are we in the process? Good question! Here’s my answer – We are further down the yellow brick road. I know, not exactly a clear answer. The process is long and at times, convoluted. We were told to expect to be matched in about 7 months. A typical birthmother is around 6 months pregnant. The operative word here is “typical.” Most of you know though, Gerry and I have never been “typical.” With that said, below is a step by step process which will give you a good idea of the series of events.

Before jumping down and reading more, I want to share with you some of my personal thoughts…

I believe that unconditional love is the most powerful gift you can give one another. I’ve learned that life is too short to worry what the world thinks. I’ve experienced that there are good people in the world, willing to authentically share their lives and family of choice with you. At the end of the day, I would hope that our adoption stands for kindness, compassion and a belief that nothing is more important that the love we offer each other. And, I don’t want to ever lose it.

Love, Kim & Gerry

Here is a breakdown of how it works:

1. Complete the home study. (Approved in July, 2010)

2. Sign the adoption paperwork that legally commits you to the adoption. (Signed December 17, 2010)

3. Sign additional agency paperwork/training that is related to your specific adoption. i.e.: inter-racial training, inter-racial questionnaire and client profile. The client profile is used by the agency to match you with the birthmother’s specific experiences. i.e.: drug & alcohol use, race, child disabilities, mental status, multiple births, etc. (In progress – Completed within days)

4. The adoptive parents are asked to write a birthmother letter, collect family photos, have a website and develop a four page, full color brochure. (In progress – Completed & printed within a month)

5. When a birthmother contacts the agency they are provided with a psychological and environmental prescreen, confirmed pregnancy and HIV test. (Ongoing)

6. Once the agency confirms the validity of the pregnancy, the birthmother is provided brochures that match with both the adoptive parents and birthmother‘s profile.

7. Once the birthmother is interested in the adoptive parents, she then makes contact by calling and/or emailing them. During this time, it’s important to have a strong connection with the birthmother. This is a person that is likely to stay in your family for a life time. The whole process is a lot like dating with a long term commitment.

8. Once the birthmother and adoptive family find a connection, a “match” is completed. This is where the birthmother stops viewing brochures of potential adoptive families and agrees how much contact she will have with the child. Example: one visit a year and pictures monthly.

9. The adoptive family is hopefully able to be at the hospital at the time of birth. The birthmother must sign “intension of adoption” papers before leaving the hospital. Additionally, she can ask for a 30 day hold before signing the “relinquishment papers” although most birthmothers do not.

10. If you are adopting outside of your home state, the adopted parents must stay in the state of where the child was born for about 10 days to 2 weeks. During this time, the courts are processing an ICPC (Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children) document which will allow the child to be given temporary custody and permission to the leave the state.

11. The final adoption papers are completed within about a year.

Note: This information is not legal advice. Please contact your attorney and/or adoption agency for details.

Adoption Update

Hi everyone,

I received a call from our Social Worker today. She has completed the Home Study document and plans on submitting the file to the Court tomorrow morning. (June 24th, 2010)  We should hear back from the Court is approximately two (2) months. She doesn't see any problems. Yeah!! We are beyond excited!! 

Finally - starting to see progress. 

As a side note, BIG HUGE THANK YOU to those who wrote our reference letters. The Social Worker has confirmed that she has received them. And, there isn't a moment that goes by that we are not grateful for your love, friendship and support. 

Here we go!!!

Love, Kim & Gerry

Freedom - An Educated Mind

It seems like yesterday to me. Our antique kitchen farm table bore the brunt of our family conversations. Some conversations were absolutely hysterical; others historical. Perhaps the wooden knots really signified moments in time that would change our choices forever. I can remember tracing my brother’s penmanship in the wood with my pinky finger, which was embedded from last week’s school assignment. I had thought if I held my breath long enough maybe I would pass out and wake up as a Rock Star.

As my father looked over his glasses he said, “You are going to college. You are going to have the opportunity that I did not have.” At that time I had believed that $500 a week was a lot of money. I could work three jobs and eventually have my freedom. After all, don’t most teenagers day-dream of having the wind blowing in their hair, staying out all night and listening to music loud enough to wake the dead. Yeah, during that time Bruce Springsteen was really “the boss,” white pants represented the youth of Miami Vice and BMW still meant “Break My Wallet.”

As I stared skillfully into my father’s eyes, I somehow instinctively knew that education was the key to having a more successful life. I’m not saying that money is the answer to all foes that we experience. Yet, a person with more education has a greater chance of increasing their overall income potential. Not that I consider myself archaic, but back in those days, people still felt that they could work hard and reap from the benefits of their efforts. Perhaps this may have been the case for some. After all, the personal computer wasn’t “personal” just yet.

There is no doubt that today we live in a knowledge environment. This means that most industries valued, are the ones where a person uses their mind rather than their brawn. What does this mean? This means that IF your child does NOT have a higher education, it is less likely they will be financial stable. In other words, the income of an individual is highly dependent upon the level of degree that the person holds. It’s appalling how we can live in the richest Nation in the World and yet be ranked 33rd in Reading, 27th in Math and 22nd in Science. (Geographic.org, 2009). What does this mean for our children?

In 2007, the Census Bureau reported the following statistics:

Earnings Estimates Starting Points:

• $19,405 Less than a high school diploma
  (approx $10 per hour)
• $26,894 High school diploma
  (approx $14 per hour)
• $32,874 Some college or associate's degree
  (approx $17 per hour)
• $46,805 Bachelor's degree
  (approx $25 per hour)
• $62,287 Graduate or professional degree
  (approx $32 per hour)

Reality Check: According to the United States Census Bureau, in 2007 the poverty threshold is $20,614 for a family of four. However, if you take into account the expenses of owning/renting a home, automobile insurance, food, clothing, gas, electricity, water, taxes and healthcare, I think that you will find most individuals with Bachelor’s degrees struggling to keep above water.

Let’s put this into lifelong terms:

“High school graduates can expect, on average, to earn $1.2 million; those with a bachelor's degree, $2.1 million; and people with a master's degree, $2.5 million. Persons with doctoral degrees earn an average of $3.4 million during their working life, while those with professional degrees do best at $4.4 million.” (USGovInfo)

Okay, now that I have your attention. Yea, education is important. I’m not saying that it is “wrong” if you choose to not educate your children. I’m just saying that it’s likely they will need assistance from the government in their life-time. Honestly, this bothers the heck out of me. Why? Well – our tax dollars shouldn’t be used for those who are capable of thinking and working. One really has to ask, “Have I failed my child” by not encouraging higher education? In my opinion, Yes. Education is not a failsafe. However, education is key to keeping those out of poverty.

A good question to ask is: Will my child be able to take care of themselves and/or their family without any outside assistance? If the answer is yes, then Bravo! If the answer is no, then perhaps returning back to school is worth a consideration. I would imagine individuals who are angered by my post are those with little -to- no education. Why? Because most educated individuals really understand and know the value of higher learning. In fact, here is a really good depiction of your typical uneducated American. Come to your own conclusions.

Perhaps listening to my father all those years ago was the most valuable words ever spoken to me. Because of our education, my partner and I can easily pay for an adoption, all of our expenses, live in a more than comfortable home (estate to some) and most importantly, intelligently understand and discuss solutions for the needs of the many. Perhaps social justice lays in the foundation of earning an education. Think about it. If you are tired of living in poverty, tired of watching every penny come in and out of your bank account, tired of not being able to afford dentistry or health care, tired of being sick and tired – then consider reinventing your life. Teach your children by the clarity of your own example. You always had the choice to better your experience. You just have to stop playing the victim and do it.

It Takes a Village

As a young child, I can remember Mother’s Day being a big event. My Grandmother would be in the kitchen cooking “gravy” and meatballs. I would be in the living room with my Crayola Markers and homemade Mother’s Day card made out of construction paper. Around 1 p.m. “the family” would visit and eat all day. Of course, our family was made up of neighbors, friends and extended mafia members. Okay, maybe not mafia members, but there is an element of truth to this. I lived in an Italian neighborhood and to be honest, we all considered ourselves related by some circumstance or purpose; broken English and all.

Dinner was normally enjoyed in the dining room, not far from the Technicolor portrait of John F. Kennedy and Jesus Christ. (Not in order of importance, of course) If you haven’t had the experience of visiting an Italian home, there are distinct smells that remind us that we belong there. These smells usually consist of anisette, coffee, fresh tomatoes and of course, Uncle Vince’s home-made wine. What was particularly distinctive during those times was a sense of La Familia. Yes, we were poor. Yes, most were Immigrants reenacting their village upbringing. Yet, it was “that village” that taught me loyalty, faith and the belief that I am my brother’s keeper. This isn’t to say that there weren’t family squabbles. When I say, “La Familia” I mean it in the most literal sense possible. During those days, the words double-crosser had real consequences.

(“Are you talking to me?”)

Sorry for the digression. My Robert Deniro impression comes out from time to time.

In all honesty though, Mother’s Day and most other holidays for that matter, taught us that we were all responsible for each other. Not only did my Mother have eyes behind her head, but so did every other person in the neighborhood! To this day, I swear my neighbor Millie was really disguised as the Italian version of the Oracle of Delphi. I honestly can say, I was raised and protected by those that I like to call, “family of choice.” Most of those heroes are long gone. I say that they were heroes, not because of the great things they had done, but for the great things they had endured. You see, those were the very immigrants hated by some that helped shaped my beliefs in humanity.

As Gerry and I visited with the Social Worker last Friday, we were reminded of how important it is for us to raise our children to include the richness of both my Italian and her Irish heritage. To some degree, I feel as though we as Americans have lost our inclusiveness in honoring each other’s diversity. We always seem to look deeply at our differences instead of celebrating our uniqueness’.

With this in mind, here’s what I think. I think Sunday dinners will include Gravy and meatballs. I think that Saint Patrick’s Day is a day to celebrate Irish patriotism. And, I think “our Village” includes each of your cultural experiences. If we can accomplish this together, perhaps the children of today will experience an inclusiveness which will help sever the ties of discrimination, injustice and hopelessness.

Perhaps I like to think big. However, as Marianne Williamson once wrote, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.” Enough SAID!

Knock, Knock – Who’s there? Social Worker!

Okay, truth be told – I’m not often nervous about anything. However, the moment the phone rang, to set up an appointment with our Social Worker, my heart flittered!  What will she ask? Is the house clean? Since she was arriving at noon, what shall we serve for lunch? Umm….I can hear Walmart calling my name! At this point, my phone dials itself to Gerry’s office, my stepmother’s home, and a direct Google chat with my supervisor at work! Oh yes, it’s also true that I’m having conversations with our dogs throughout the entire day. They do listen for a cookie or two!

It’s funny how things start to change without even noticing it. There was a time that I would have to have “everything just right.” Seriously challenging my thoughts on being obsessed with perfection. Perfection was not needed. Not today. Not yesterday or tomorrow.  Perfection is found in being authentic, not only with the Social Worker, but with ourselves.  In fact, a new friend of ours said something really power that changed my perspective on life. She said,  “I need to laugh, enjoy my life and to stop and smell all the flowers, not just the roses.” I did just that. I dusted the house and admired not the physical things we had to offer, but the love that filled our home. I cleaned the bathroom and thought about the children living in Haiti; knowing that we lived like Queens to have running water. Dust? Not a problem!

Our Social Worker arrived just “a little late” as Gerry and I anxiously paced throughout the house.  I knew Gerry would be upstairs folding laundry (nervous but productive reaction!) while I quickly organized the papers on my desk. (Okay - I was fidgety) I was flying by each room glancing at our family photos of whom we love so very much.  I was wondering if we would be as diligent as others with baby photos and videos to share on Facebook. Surely, we can do it all! Well, perhaps with a little bit of help from our family and family of choice! (Please send chocolate now!)

As the doorbell rang, the dogs went insane; barking like they knew something, we didn’t. It’s almost as if they were saying, “get the flippn door – she’s here!” Our Social Worker walked through the door and I felt as though I had instantly known her. Her “energy” just radiated with positive everything. As we informally started to make sandwiches, I watched the dogs as they creatively positioned themselves for a snack or two. Ha!! Never ending in our house.

We sat down at the kitchen table and our moments of sharing began. She asked questions about our childhood, schooling, parenting style, work and briefly reviewed our finances. Her demeanor was kind, loving, knowledgeable and understanding. As Gerry was reminiscing our ten (10) years together, I can began to feel my eyes well up with tears. Seriously? Crying now? Oh God, I truly feel pregnant without being pregnant! What is up with that!! Anyhow, that was the very instant I realized, every moment of love that we experienced together was now manifesting for others to see. We always knew others could see our “connection” but whoa – here it was – all in Technicolor!

Our time with the Social Worker had ended and we set up another appointment to meet again in two weeks. We have “homework” where we need to provide our biography and answer 11 different questions about our childhood, parents and work environment, to name a few. I looked at Gerry as the Social Worker got into her car and it was as if she glowed. I’m really not sure how to explain this other than I was reminded how impactful and important our love is to each other. And, to be able to share that love with a child is the most beautiful thing I can think of these days. We walked back into our home, shut the door and let out a humungous breath. Yes, there really is more than just roses; there are flowers everywhere if you close your eyes and allow it.

Dirty Socks & All

We’ve been waiting what seems like an eternity to begin blogging adoption updates. Certainly a good analogy is one of a cruise ship making a sharp left turn. Well, as long as we stay afloat, we are in good shape! =) Last Wednesday the Home Study organization submitted our petition to the Pinal County Superior Court. Finally! We are hopeful that the Social Worker will call next week and set up our initial appointment. We provided all of the personal information, which included everything from our birth certificates and tax returns to our fingerprints, work history and references. We’re told that our references will shortly be receiving letters asking to verify our character, etc.; Just a quick shout out to thank each and every one of you! Please don’t tell them about the about time when I got my hair caught in the big wheel. What kind of five year old would I have been? We undoubtedly wouldn’t want them to know about the donkey that followed Gerry to the school bathroom. Certainly, some things are just better left unsaid. LOL!

All kidding aside, as each day passes, I feel this need to connect with other parents. Not necessarily to discuss parenting skills and/or lesbian parenting rhetoric.  Nope. I just want to share in their joy.  Perhaps some will read this blog and want to throw their hands in the air while mumbling, “be careful for what you wish for.” But you see, often times we forget to realize how very abundant we are. Now I’m not talking about money, although cash makes life much easier. I’m talking about sheer unconditional love we have in our lives. What does this mean? This means “that when we say we love someone, we mean it without strings attached;” Dirty socks & all.

As we continue to wait for the process to move forward, I can’t help but to ask, is our child conceived yet? What kind of environment is the birth mother living in? Are she and the baby okay? My head surely spins!! LOL If I could send telepathic waves, I would say, “everything is going to be okay. You are unconditionally loved before you were even born. Yes, dirty socks & all!”  So my friends, here is my plea - As time passes, and our child becomes a teenager, remind me that laundry is NOT what is important. Remind me that work doesn’t define who we are, but rather what we do. Remind me that love can really overcome any obstacle. AND – remind me that it’s those unconditional moments of love, that needs to be remembered the most.

Love, Kim & Gerry

And so the journey begins....

Hi everyone,

It’s funny – most of the time, I have words to express how I’m feeling. My deeply ingrained Philadelphia “way of thinking” is never too far away from the surface. I really believed my parents when they said, “there is nothing you cannot achieve.” Yet lately, I find my voice is right below the surface. It’s almost as if I’m waiting for the “right moment” to sing out loud. Yes, these two mommies are hoping and praying for a healthy child; and today is the day to sing! LaLaLaLa!  Gerry and I have begun the adoption process and we wanted to share our experiences with each of you.

I’ve been holding my breath as some people express their well wishes and others remind me that “those kind of families” aren’t good for a child’s well being. Again, my Philly attitude comes to the service with a few choice words. I’d share them with you here, but I’m hoping our child will read our blog some day with pride, knowing that “doing the right thing” sometimes means restraint! For us, it’s important that we live by the clarity of our example. With this being said, if you have come across this blog and feel the need to express your religious opinions, please consider retraining and moving on. We do not wish to enter into debate or encourage your insane “need” to be right. Enough said.

Gerry and I have always wanted to have a family. After ten (10) years of being together we finally found an adoption agency that will work with us.  At the moment, most adoption agencies require a single person adoption; whereas, the person’s partner would have to lie about their relationship. In my opinion, the United States seems to be behind in social conscience.  Other counties such as the United Kingdom, Spain and Mexico City, to name a few, have supported gay adoption. We were very fortunate to begin working with the Independent Adoption Centers. They are a license “open adoption” agency where the birth mother chooses you to adopt their child. This means that the child will know that they were always loved and wanted.  The whole process can take any where from 1 to 1 ½ years. We are thinking positive and have the love, resources and family support along the way.

For those wanting more information, here is the time line: (taking place in Arizona)

(1) Home Study – 2 to 4 months. This includes the court providing a docket number, the completion of the home study and the Judge approval. Again, not all home study companies will work with the LGBT community. There are some Social Workers that feel more comfortable then others. We are working with the Adoption Specialists of Arizona. 602-248-8284. 


(2) Weekend intensive with the Independent Adoption Centers in San Francisco. (woohoo – We love that city) This includes writing the birth mother letter, (please choose us) setting up the website and signing a contract. The total cost is projected at “around” 25k – 30k. Worth EVERY penny for our little bubba. 


(3) Finally, the matching takes place. This is where the birth mother will consider us to adopt her child. As you can imagine, giving up her child for adoption is a very difficult decision. We are hopeful that she will choose us as her “family of choice.” Together, we can choose to meet in person and/or talk with the birth mother over the phone. The three of us will agree on monthly and/or yearly photos and updates. Gerry and I are hopeful we will be there to support the birth mother and see our child being born. 


(4) We wait and wait! The birth mother could be 3 months to 9 months pregnant. It’s important to mention here that if our child is born in California (or any other non discriminatory state) we can both be placed on the birth certificate. Federal adoption laws require all states to adhere to the birth certificate. Hence, if we choose to stay in Arizona, (unlikely) Arizona must give us duel-parenting rights. If we are not both on the birth certificate, one of us must file a co-parenting agreement to the Arizona courts every six (6) months.

I’m sure I’m missing some detail of information. I will update our blog every month or so. Perhaps even more frequently as the clock ticks down!

Before ending, we wanted to say a couple things to our family and family of choice that are actively involved in the adoption.

Anita & Dad - Thank you for always loving us unconditionally. Your continued support, encouragement, friendship and guidance has been incredibly powerful in our lives. You have always been my inner “voice” and reminded Gerry and I that we are never alone. We love you always.

Steven & Rhona – From day one, you have never waivered in your support. And, that unconditional love has deeply touched our lives. Thank you for always caring enough to call and involving us with the kids. We deeply cherish each of you.

Roger, Michele & Brandon – There was never a moment that you didn’t include Gerry in our family. You have always loved us without conditions and without expectations. We are incredibly grateful for kindness, love and support throughout the years. Our love always!

Gemma & Conal – Distance never kept us apart. Thank you for loving us through our journey and providing us the gift of sisterhood and friendship. Our family is richer with you both in our lives. And, it’s very important to us to continue to connect without boundaries. All our love!

Denis & Marie – (Daddy & Mammy) The love and support you have given throughout the years have been immeasurable.  There are no words that can express our deep gratitude for the unconditional love, tears of joy, laughter and hopefulness you have give us.  Our lives are whole because you are in it.  You are our Ireland.

Family of Choice & Other family members – Thank you for always unconditionally loving us. We’ve created so many wonderful stories and memories, with many more yet to create!  Special shout out to: Abby & Cheri, Gillian & PJ, Mary & Peter, Ann, Chris & Donna, Jill & Jimmy, Stephanie, Gloria, Bobby & Gregg, Barb & Mel, Jessie, Karen, Sly & Denis, Jason & Arlene, Tammy, Dean, Mike & Arlene, Larry & Vic, Sheila & John AND everyone else that matters! (just because you aren’t listed here doesn’t mean that you aren’t in our hearts)

Until the next update – send us positive thoughts and wish us luck!

Love, Kim & Gerry 
xxoo